dumbfuckery

Copyright Violation DOES NOT EQUAL THEFT

2011-07-25T10:02:00.000-07:00

Just so we're absolutely fucking clear about this, I'll use small words and a big purple font.

Copyright Violation IS Not the same thing as theft. Or piracy. Or any other evil, nasty, criminal behavior that we all agree is bad.

Theft is depriving somebody of something by illegally taking it away from them. Piracy is commandeering somebody's fucking boat, for god's sake.

Copyright violation IS unauthorized use of somebody else's intellectual property. It may be wrong. It may be unethical or even immoral. It may occasionally even deprive some rich international entertainment corporation of some minuscule fragment of profit.

There are already laws against copyright infringement. They are a civil matter and the legal recourse is a lawsuit.

NOBODY should ever go to jail for copying a goddman DVD.

Are we clear? Now can we all just stop it? Hmmm?

The End is Nigh: Run For Your Lives

2011-05-19T09:45:00.000-07:00

I am quite certain that the universe will end on August 22, 2011. Well, pretty sure. Okay, let's just say I have it on good authority. A giant space turkey will appear from the Swan Nebula. It will eat the Moon in 14 hideous bites, and then unleash a turd against the Earth the likes of which none has ever seen. The Great Space Turkey Turd will cause untold havoc, wiping out many people's life savings, 401ks, and even their Christmas Funds. Trains will fall over. Hurricanes will fizzle and disappear. Public hair will tangle and cause a great many little twinges of pain. Teeth will gnash. Tongues will wag. Wisconsin will split asunder only to be reconstituted as Eastern Minnesota and then fall straight into the Bering Sea. Puppies will meow. The sky will turn a kind of mauve color, with just a hint of honeysuckle at the corners. Everybody's pee will smell like they've just eaten asparagus. Eyyyyew.

All of this is fairly certain. There's nothing for it really.

So send me all your money today. Cash out completely, sell everything, convert your bonds, steal from your neighbors and send it all to me in small, unmarked bills. Because the Giant Space Turkey needs our love.

And I'm just the guy to buy Him a nice gift.

Spammer Asshat of the Week Award!

2011-04-26T10:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, folks, it's the moment every blogger has been anxiously awaiting! The Spammer Asshat of the Week!

This week, the Spammer Asshat we'd most like beat into a mushy, nasty-smelling pulp is

BizNetPortal.net.pl

That's right, they suck! And they suck hard and well! These mutherfuckers have been dropping comment turds left and right all over the web. Using oh-so-clever ploys like:

"Hey there! I’m at work surfing around your blog from my new iphone! Just wanted to say I love reading your blog and look forward to all your posts! Carry on the outstanding work!"

and

"When I initially commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get three emails with the same comment. Is there any way you can remove me from that service? Thanks!"

and everybody's favorite

"Amazing blog! Do you have any helpful hints for aspiring writers? I’m hoping to start my own site soon but I’m a little lost on everything. Would you propose starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option? There are so many options out there that I’m totally confused .. Any recommendations? Many thanks!"

Obviously, they are very smart. They've even been dropping these things on a couple of professional SEO blogs. What? The dumb bitches think they gonna fool a pro? They oughta be ashamed of themselves, except they obviously got no shame at all.

So far, I've seen this bullshit come out of three IPs:

83.23.131.68
83.23.182.4
79.186.23.221

Here's their shitty site:
biznesportal.net.pl/

and here's some probably fake email addresses (is it a coincidence they all are from AOL—The land of spammers and idiots?):

Guarnera78@aol.com
Mclavrin61@aol.com
Driever97@aol.com
Salata82@aol.com
Dedicke91@aol.com
Watton54@aol.com
Moschetti45@aol.com
Uk64@aol.com

Why I Don't Like to Call Myself an Atheist

2011-03-13T12:49:00.000-07:00

The term "atheist" literally means "opposed to god." This definition was attached to the word by the self-titled "deists" who were "in favor of god." The term clearly carries the implication that there is something to be either in favor of or opposed to. This clearly represents a deliberate attempt to steer any discussion to the singular notion:

Do you believe in god?

Which in itself implies that there is a "something" for which one can attribute either belief or disbelief. Which is total and unambiguously BULLSHIT.

Here, then, the truth of where I stand.

I am 99.9% positive of the wrongness of the notions of "god" or "supreme being" or "intelligent designer" or whatever else makes people feel good to believe. No such thing exists, or has ever existed, or will ever exist. The .1% uncertainty I reserve for the extremely unlikely possibility that this magnificent, complex, and virtually infinite universe may still hold a surprise or two for me, even in this regard.

In short, I see nothing in or about the universe that necessitates a god, indicates a god, or even allows for the existence thereof. In the .1% uncertain event that I am mistaken, here are some things that I know with a greater absolute certainty than the faith of any human who ever lived.

If there were a supreme intelligence,

it would absolutely not give a rat's ass about this infinitesimal speck of cosmic nothing that we call home.

it does not care what you believe
it does not care who you fuck
it does not care whether or not you send money to support the priest class
it does not care who you vote for
it does not care whether you follow rules or not
or anything else

it had nothing whatever to do with the accumulated mystic rants and ramblings of some long-dead desert nomads
it will not be there to enfold you loving arms, tentacles, spines, sparks, mist, goo, or anything else when you die
it does not care whether or not you find yourself still conscious after you are dead
it does not live in a cloud castle full of gold and chocolate and singing and other assorted pretty shit
it does not look like you
it does not know you exist or care that you do
it would unquestionably be unlike anything any religion or prophet has ever supposed.

So if I find myself having to refer to my beliefs as "atheist" it is because I am opposed to the prevalence and pervasive malignancy of these absurd mythic belief systems. It is not that I "oppose god" rather that I oppose religion. Not so much that I "don't believe in god" rather I do believe you are a self-deceptive idiot if you do.

Hey Working Class America!

2011-02-27T11:38:00.000-08:00

Just how fucking stupid ARE YOU?

Are you REALLY SERIOUSLY anti-union? Because they take dues out of your check? Because you keep hearing (probably on Fox) that they are communistic socialist fascists or something? Because you've been told that all public employees are lazy have a paradise on earth living on your money?

Well, then you are so goddamn dumb that you shouldn't be allowed to own sharp knives.

Why?

Because without unions:

you will be working 100 hour weeks
your paycheck will evaporate before your very eyes
there will no more "weekends"
you can forget health care
you can forget unemployment insurance
you can count on working until you drop dead

Because without unions, you moron, the fucking Corporations own you.

Stop the Job-Killing GOP Rampage

2011-02-19T12:12:00.000-08:00

The GOP, driven completely insane by their Teabagger Masters, are trying to drive this country into a total economic meltdown collapsing clusterfuck of EPIC proportions. In their smug attempts to drive an American Taliban social control fetish through Congress by pretending it's about "Deficit Cutting" (which they oddly only care about during Democratic administrations), these JOB-KILLING asshats want to crush or eliminate every single US agency involved in ensuring the health and welfare of our citizens. They want to end every single government-supported assistance program to the poor, the at-risk, the defenseless.

And all this mere months after proudly going to the mat to defend tax cuts for billionaire mutherfuckers who drove us off this cliff in the first place.

AT LONG LAST, MR BOEHNER, HAVE YOU NO SHAME?

Seriously

2011-02-06T10:53:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry, but is Sarah Palin completely fucking nuts? Or just delusional? Or is she the most cunning evil manipulator since Machiavelli? You decide.

"Sarah Palin opened a celebration of what would have been Ronald Reagan's 100th birthday by declaring that the United States was lurching towards a ''road to ruin'', saying the nation had become so weighed down by debt and excess government that a new direction was urgently needed in Washington."

Notice that big old fucking camel hump in the picture? Does anyone not know that Reagan and his Bush minions totally fucking destroyed this country financially? And that BECAUSE OF RONALD REAGAN'S "Morning in America" bullshit, we as a nation are doomed to an ever-decreasing quality of life, and an ever-increasing disparity between rich and poor?

Are you all complete fucking morons? Can't anybody see that Palin and the neo-cons and the teabaggers are totally fucking LYING to you? That THEY CREATED THE NATIONAL DEBT PROBLEM and then harped on it over and over until all you jackass idiots started to believe it was somehow the Democrats' fault? Are you retarded?

Seriously?

Fucktwads

2011-01-24T23:35:00.000-08:00

Finally tracked down at least one of the sources of the REALLY Fucking Stupid "Link Me" spam I've been getting. A site called linkbuildinglettersDOTcom gives our extra clever entrepreneurial SEO wannabes a whole bunch of really really effective templated letters GUARANTEED to get you those special killers links that will make you rich, slim, and pretty. Especially useful is a link from a page with 456 other links on it, none of which are related topically in any way! Brilliant! Fucking morons.

2011-01-11T11:51:00.000-08:00

KILL ALL EXTREMISTS

Don't be alarmed. It's only a surveyor's mark

Re: Link exchange request between your site (????).com and my site

2010-12-17T15:24:00.000-08:00

This is an email I get a few times a week. It is always from someone different and the domains to be linked to are always different, although the content is always the same: pretty much nothing but 5 or 6 hundred unrelated links.

Hi,

My name is [random name here], Web Marketing Consultant. I've greatly enjoyed looking through your site  searchmarketingmagic.com  and I was wondering if you'd be interested in exchanging links with my website, which has a related subject. I can offer you a HOME PAGE link back from  my related website which is:

bnpstrategie(dot)com  PR4
cleanprotalk(dot)com
americanmominbusiness(dot)com 

If you are interested, please send me the following details of your site:

TITLE:
URL:

I'll add your link as soon as possible, in the next 24 hours. As soon as it's ready, I'll send you a confirmation email along with the information (TITLE and URL) regarding my site to be placed at yours.

I hope you have a nice day and thank you for your time.

Kindest regards,

PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS NOT A SPAM OR AUTOMATED EMAIL, IT'S ONLY A REQUEST FOR A LINK EXCHANGE. YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS HAS NOT BEEN ADDED TO ANY LISTS, AND YOU WILL NOT BE CONTACTED AGAIN. IF YOU'D LIKE TO MAKE SURE WE DON'T CONTACT YOU AGAIN, PLEASE FILL IN THE FOLLOWING FORM: emailsnomore(dot)com ; PLEASE ACCEPT OUR APOLOGIES FOR CONTACTING YOU.

This is what I reply:

Dear [random name here]:

You know, just SAYING it ain't spam doesn't MAKE it not spam. Spam is unsolicited junk, just like this. I get about 15 of these a week. Worded exactly the same. With different crappy websites that are nothing but giant piles of unrelated links. Linking with any of these sites would be about as useful as standing on a street corner with a sign saying CLICK ME.  I'm guessing one of two things:

You are a bot that scrapes email addresses and then bombs the world with hoping some webmaster somewhere is stupid enough to actually link to you; or
You are a real webmaster and you got conned into buying some lame-assed SEO package from somewhere "reputable" that does all the automatic link requesting for you.

Either way, it is annoying and pathetic. Please stop it.

Peace.

PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS NOT AN EMAIL AT ALL. THIS IS ACTUALLY A TINY PIECE OF FAIRY GLITTER THAT JUST HAPPENED TO CATCH A STRAY BREEZE AND LAND IN YOUR IN BOX. YOUR SOUL HAS NOT BEEN COMPROMISED IN ANYWAY AND YOU WILL NOT BE CONTACTED AGAIN. PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES FOR HAVING AN IQ IN THE POSITIVE DIGITS.

Of course the exercise is pointless because the email address they come from doesn't really go to anybody. Still, it makes me feel a little bit better.

Bend Over America!

2010-10-22T11:44:00.000-07:00

All righty America! It's time to bend over! Bend over and spread 'em! Because you are about to fucked up the ass like you never been assfucked before. That's right, you're gonna get it and get it good. When the Republicans "take back our country" this fall, the next that happens is they take out their humongous Corporate Cock and start greasin' 'er up.

If you think big government (or "big Gubmint" as the teabaggers fondly say) is your main problem, then you are supplying the lube. Big government is, in fact, your ONLY HOPE. Because it's the multinational megacorporations with the big dick here, my friends, and if you are either

Voting Republican this fall because you are mad that the Democrats haven't fixed the Republican-destroyed economy yet and they somehow passed a (very watered down and pretty much useless) health care bill and a few pitiful protections against another cluster-fuck Wall Street fraud; or
Not voting at all because you're mad that the Democrats didn't fulfill their campaign promise to make the world happy and bright and yellow and everybody's rich and we're all tv stars now;

then you are the cause of your own damn deflowering. Your precious virgin god-hates-fags assholes are about to be reamed by a gigantic COCK THAT YOU PICKED OUT ALL BY YOURSELVES. Ha ha! Good joke, huh?

Here are a few points to consider:

The Tea Party (teabaggers on and all) were created and encouraged by the Republican party's dirty tricks team lead by Carl Rove and Dick (is that name just a coincidence?) Cheney.
Teabagger vitriol has been conceived, written, and promulgated by the Tea Party Network, aka Fox News through such "fair and balanced" spokesfolks as Glen Beck, Bill O'Reilly, and Sean Hannity (where did they GET all these nasty, ill-tempered, racist motherfuckers, anyway).
Fox News is and always will be a shill for the corporate interests of mega-billionaire Rupert Murdock whose main ambition in life is to avoid any sort of government regulation, tax, or public protection.
Fox News is financed by a host of very huge corporations that share Murdock's goals.
The U.S. Chamber of Commerce has racked up a monstrous war chest of dollars from secret and undisclosed sources (some of which are very likely from foreign-owed or based corporations) that they are using to support RepbliTea Party candidates.
This is happening because idiots (like you, maybe) voted for George Bush and George Bush and George Bush who skewed the Supreme Court so far to the right that they are now virtually owned and operated by the Universal Mega-Corp--and proved it by ruling that corporate donations for elections are NOT LIMITED IN ANY WAY, and that the actual donors do NOT HAVE TO BE DISCLOSED IN ANY WAY.

So I hope you like anal sex. You are about to get some. Big time. And guess what? YOU CANNOT CRY RAPE. Because you totally did this to yourselves.

Could You Be a Terrorist?

2010-03-01T15:32:00.000-08:00

Guess what? If you are an angry Teabagger who flies his plane into an IRS building, YOU ARE A FUCKING TERRORIST. If you send white powder to an IRS office and phone in a threat, YOU ARE A FUCKING TERRORIST. If you firebomb an abortion clinic or murder the doctor who works there or violently obstruct access to a clinic, YOU ARE A FUCKING TERRORIST. You are NO different from Osama Bin Whatever and those guys. You are willing to kill people to make your point, no matter how valid your pointy little head thinks it is, , YOU ARE A FUCKING TERRORIST. It's really pretty simple.

No kidding

2009-12-20T13:36:00.001-08:00

You really really really have to be a GIANT FUCKING MORON if you think that a snowstorm means global warming isn't real. No kidding.

Palinology!

2009-12-05T11:31:00.000-08:00

What kind of fucking idiot do you have to be to think the idea of a "rogue" president makes sense?

You MIGHT Be a Complete Fucking Idiot If:

2009-10-25T12:50:00.000-07:00

You find yourself watching Fox News and thinking, "yeah, that sounds true."
You're out shoveling snow off your walk and you really think that means there's no global warming.
You own a small business and believe that a national health care solution is a bad idea.
You work for a living and think that a national health care solution is a bad idea.
You are anybody except a health insurance executive or stock holder and think that a national health care solution is a bad idea.
You believe that the UK, Canada, Germany, France, and pretty much all of the rest of the free world have worse health care than you do.
You think that Beck and Limbaugh have ever spoken a single word of truth, or have any relationship at all with a reality not of their own making.
You think President Obama is somehow responsible for winning the Nobel.
You are white, and at any point in your life you have said, "I'm not a racist, I just don't like [blank] people."
You hated the Bush administration for completely fucking up the entire world, and now you hate the Obama administration for trying to fix it.

Faith

2009-10-02T17:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Invisible Fairy in the Sky Who Sometimes Grants Wishes and Sometimes Doesn't and Never Gives a Clue as to Which or Why:

Please:

Keep me and everybody around me from ever suffering or dying or anything.
Bless this Mikki D cheeseburger so that it will magically transform into something my body can actually digest into some sort of nutrition.
Make me rich, pretty, and smart.
Make this traffic light turn green before I get there.
Help my favorite sports teams win their games (and Fuck the Other guys!)
Let me lose 20 pounds so my ass looks good in these jeans.
Keep my dumbass relatives from harming themselves any more with drugs, booze, sex, tobacco, porn, gambling or anything else we've been taught is "bad." Oh, and please make sure that none of that stuff hurts me any, cause I'm planning to do them all this weekend.
Find me a better job, cause my boss here thinks he knows you pretty well and keeps bringing you up in random conversations. And while you're at it, please make sure you ignore all his wishes. Cause he sucks and I hate him.
And while you're at that, you might as well ignore the wishes of everybody else I hate, too.
Please condemn everybody in the world who ever denied your existence to an eternity of suffering torments and tortures inexpressible. Cause that will prove you are the Invisible Fairy in the Sky of Love.
And one last thing. Please don't forget that I have a test tomorrow and I didn't study very hard. You can do something about that, right?

Amen.

Holy fuck

2009-05-27T15:45:00.000-07:00

O my dear sweet Cthulhu, demon king of all that is evil. I cannot believe that the Holy Trinity of the GOP—Newt Gingrich, Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh—have taken to calling the Supreme Court justice nominee Sonia Sotomayor a 'racist.' This beggars the imagination so thoroughly that I've been waiting for the revelation that this is really a story sourced by "The Onion."

But, no. This is what the sons of bitches have come to. Dick "Sucker" Cheney popping up to scare us with tales of doom if we so much as ponder closing the torture chambers at Guantanamo. Rush "Pill-popping Fat Ass" Limbaugh spewing racial venom so foul that he ought to locked up as a walking hate-crime. Anne "About as Pretty as a Naked Mole Rat's Ass" Coulter parading her nasty ignorance across the Fox-spectrum of the media like Paris Hilton on a trapeze. Newt "Anyone Who Disagrees with Me Must Be Socialist" Gingrich with his blatantly manipulative and disingenuous strategy for giving the White House back to the evil mutherfuckers who almost managed to destroy the entire goddamned world with the last eight years of their reign.

IT HAS GOT TO STOP! If we continue to let these bastards get away with this bullshit, we'll all be living in cold dark caves. The survivors, anyway.

Worse Thieves

2008-10-16T08:52:00.001-07:00

Of all the goddamned asshole lame bullshit things I have ever heard, this one just about takes the cake. The evil bastards that run the world have gotten just plain eviller!

AIG Parties While the Economy Burns

Holy shit! Who could even begin to justify this kind of "fuck you" behaviour? They ought all be stripped, and clipped, and sent to Guantanamo for a little "spa" treatment, courtesy of the American taxpayer.

And now this!!!!!!

AIG Parties on.... on YOUR DIME

2008-07-10T12:49:00.001-07:00

Thieves

2006-04-30T11:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Motherfucker who stole my truck,

You are evil and do not deserve to share this civilization with the rest of us.

You should develop an extremely painful canker on your sex organ that never goes away.
You should discover that your half-eaten potato salad is swarming with maggots.
May the drugs you next inject yourself with turn out to be crystal drain cleaner.
Everyone you like, respect, or feel any attachment to whatsoever should call you vile names and refuse to ever be around you again.

In other words: Fuck you.

dumbfuckery

2006-01-11T08:58:00.000-08:00

I am here to tell you, dumbfuckery is the new standard by which all things are judged.